We really did have people at our Christmas party...

During our first LA Boozenog, I got a little busy heating up pigs in a blanket and Trader Joe's Samosas to take pictures. Some guests took pics, so I'll bug them to put them up on Facebook. In the meantime, here's my faux Elle Decor photo spread. In LA, you have to choose to have it feel Christmas-y. You're not going to have Rockettes or giant trees or Santas pissing in the gutter thrust in your face for over month. You're going to have to make due with lights wrapped around some palm trees and the Christmas tree contraption on top of the Capitol Records building. The weird thing about Christmas in LA, is that no one runs around saying "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas!" When I do acknowledge the holidays during a farewell to someone, the recipient of my well wishes sort of looks at me like I just reminded them to return a book at the library or pick up their kid. ANYWAY - Merry Christmas (and remember to throw the Netflix envelope in the mail)!!!!

I've had a two week long day.

The last time I posted we were bloated on turkey, and now I'm trying to keep a dead tree in my living room alive long enough so my friends can drink around it. I don't know where I've been these past two weeks. In the car, I think. After ten months of living in LA, I'm now beginning to feel busy. Feeling busy is as fleeting as gestures are empty in this town, so tomorrow I could be back watching RoboCop 3 in the middle of the afternoon. I want to plow through this next month and get to 2010. Anyway. Just checking in.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!! Here are some of my favorite awkward/funny/cute/a little creepy Thanksgiving family photos I Google-imaged.

I'm now considering that Master Cleanse thing after this week

This week's food intake: a million egg frittata at Bottega Louie, prosciutto pizza and calamari at Delancey, sliders and tempura at The 3rd Stop, too much sushi at Niko Niko, meatballs, garlic bread, canoli, cheap wine and iceberg lettuce at Palermo*, and drinks at Tiki-Ti that add up to a bottle of dark rum and a bag of sugar. Good times with good friends, but there's not enough Yakult in the world.

*If you want to watch someone actually hustle at his job in this slow, "whatevs" town, take a look at the hipster bus boy at Palermo in Los Feliz. It's so refreshing watch someone give a shit about something.

California Field Trips #3: More Santa Barbara

Last weekend Alex and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary in Santa Barbara. My "sell out and cash it in" fantasy has always been a beach house in Malibu. I think I might be leaning towards Santa Barbara as the place to go when I'm a millionaire and don't care anymore. I can't quite put my finger on it, but everything is sort of perfect there. I think it's Oprah's magic. I'm having a problem uploading pictures. Here are Google images of San Ysidro Ranch. We went here for dinner on our anniversary night. Jackie and JFK honeymoon-ed at San Ysidro. We stayed at totally charming, but less "Jackie and JFK" hotel. There was a whirlpool tub, not in the bathroom but right in the room. If only the tub was heart-shaped, we could pretend we're in an 80's Poconos Mountains resort commercial.

Shitcanned-tivities #4: Obsessively Update Your Address Book

My life will be perfect if it looked like this, right?

The past few weeks I had a few professional opportunities that went nowhere fast. To fill my time, I got a chest cold and a new BlackBerry. I've holed myself up this past week revisiting and updating contact info for every temp job boss, former co-workers, comics, actors, wedding vendors, high school and college friends, and creating some master database of everyone I've ever met that can be reached easily by phone and computer. Hyper busy work organizing is a fantastic way to make you feel like you're doing something productive while actually earning no money or professional credit. Other anal chore recommendations include cataloging old greeting cards, creating too many folders in your email, recording birthdays and anniversaries, throwing out old coupons, alphabetizing books, collecting every log in and passwords for every website you've ever visited that require a log in and password, and ignoring your blog because you think you haven't done anything interesting lately...obviously.

Top Faves at the Showbiz Expo

So I'm on a Virgin flight to NY and I might as well take advantage of being trapped in a tube and having the future at my fingertips. I'm having a hard enough time blogging from my dining room table, so I should really use my time in the sky wisely. I can't wait to spend the remainder of the flight watching the Real Chance of Love 2: Back in the Saddle marathon on VH1. If you're home in the afternoon watching this crap, you're sad waste of carbon. If you're on a cross country flight, you're a jet setter enjoying the airline's amenities. This past weekend I found myself at the LA Convention Center for the Showbiz Expo. I guess "showbiz" also includes teeth whitening services and fancy Port-a-Potty vendors. Here's my top 5 favorite people I met at the Expo:

1. The assholes that displayed their resumes filled to the brim with regional theatre...and their personal addresses.
2. The lady that wore a sandwich board of a blowup of her sex advice book cover and the request to make her book the new Sex and the City.
3. The lady at Starbucks that didn't ring up my bottle of water. I can't really say that I didn't get anything out of the Expo.
4. The man/lady we couldn't figure out is a man or a lady. Cross a biker dude with "Working Girl" hair.
5. The lady that had a booth advertising her vision board business. Maybe she needs a vision board of better business ideas.

Questions For LA #1

1. Why is not wearing a bra in public or at an audition an option? A droopy A cup is still a droopy boob, and the casting director and his camera can totally see some nip through that hippie Forever 21 shirt.
2. Why isn't there one normal nail salon anywhere on the east side of town with real pedicure chairs and tubs, manicure tables and separate dryer table? Why am I sitting in La-Z-Boy chair with my feet in a Sitz Bath while a portable dryer is resting on my lap? And why aren't you open on Mondays?
3. Why do Echo Park drivers wait for you to first make a left before they proceed straight or make a right turn? Are we just accepting and expecting we're all bad drivers that don't know the rules of the road? Or do some of us really not know the rules of the road...in America?
4. Why do I have to call you to follow up after I sent you an email weeks ago? You are a business and I'm trying to give you business, i.e. money. Check you fucking email and reply to your potential customers.
5. Where are the Breakstone's products? I miss Temp Tee cream cheese.

My Brief Guide to LA #2

The front of Blair's Restaurant in Silver Lake.

Bottega Louie's in downtown. It's the only business that managed open in a giant, new building of condos. The Delancey on Sunset Blvd in Hollywood.

The Dresden...in 1994. Notice the lady's hat in the front and the dude rocking the white T-shirt and black vest look.

A street view of Little Tokyo. The Far Bar is in the back of Chop Suey Restaurant.

The Good Luck Bar in Los Feliz.Laurel Tavern in Studio City.

Lucky Baldwin's in Pasadena.

Malibu Wines...in Malibu.

Since I've written the first part of my Brief and Limited Guide to LA, I've discovered some new faves.

• Blair's: Holy braised short ribs and tea lights! Along with fatty, red meat and candlelight, it's small, dark and has some exposed brick, so it can be qualified as "very New York-y"

• Bottega Louie: Take the Dean and Deluca that Felicity worked at in Felicity, then add a bar, exposed kitchen and amazing meatballs and portobello mushroom fries.

• The Delancey: The owner named this bar and pizzeria after the street in New York. If it actually looked like Delancey Street or the actual pizza join on the corner of Delancey and Essex, you wouldn't go there to consume food or use the restroom. There's candlelight, leather and faux brick outside, so yes, the Delancey is "very New York-y."

• The Dresden: I've mentioned the Dresden before. Well, seven months of living here, I finally went. We rolled in right in time for last call. The waitress, who looked like she's had a few hard days under her belt, made sure to remind us as much as possible that it's last call, drink our drinks and get out. We caught the last few minutes of Marty and Elaine. They should really update that publicity photo.

• The Far Bar: Little Tokyo is a little sliver of downtown LA that your west side friends will never go. The Far Bar is a little sliver of a bar in a little sliver of an alleyway in Little Tokyo that serves Sapporo on tap and amazing wasabi fries. Our bartender looked like a gay, samurai ,boy scout...or is a gay, samurai, boy scout.

• Good Luck Bar: LA loves it Asian inspired bars. Everything is red and you feel like you're drinking inside a paper lantern.

• Laurel Tavern: I wrote about Laurel Tavern and one its douchey customers in August. I love it and every time I met someone new that lives around Studio City, my reply is "We need to go to Laurel Tavern!" I'll make it back at some point.

• Lucky Baldwins: Amongst the Pottery Barns, wine bars and early bird specials that make up Pasadena, there is a little British pub with a menu of fried foods, an overwhelming list of Belgian and UK beers, lots of soccer and beer signage, and around the clock NFL coverage.

• Malibu Wines: I wrote about our trip to Malibu Wines back in August. I'm waiting to get my white suit and Pucci head scarf cleaned, then I'll be back amongst the leisure class.

Did September just happen?

Here's a running list of what I've been up to since last I posted:

• Attempting to knock off a few dozen items on my to- do list prior to my trip to NYC, like "Finish revising screenplay" and "Find way to rearrange my rib cage so the dress I'm wearing to a wedding can zip.

• Visiting and drinking in NYC.

• Not sleeping in NYC.

• Rediscovering walking in NYC.

• Getting a cold in NYC.

• Being stared at as the "Swine Flu Girl" by other passengers on my flight back to LA.

• Fumbling through an audition, stoned on Tylenol Cold.

• Going through an entire box of tissues and three layers of nostril skin in 48 hours .

• Searching Glendale (a very Armenian neighborhood) for matzo ball soup (a very Jewish soup). I was unsuccessful.

Fisher King Anxiety

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in a cafe when a stern-looking gentleman in a long leather coat, holding a brown paper bag stormed through the front door. I thought at that moment, "Well, this is how I will die. There's a gun in that bag and an unsound brain under that faux hawk. He's going to shoot up the place. I'll be dead. Alex will go crazy and homeless. Jeff Bridges will feel obligated to befriend Alex because his crazy radio ranting actually caused the leather coat guy to barge into the cafe and kill me." It turns out this gentleman was hell bent on getting to the open mic sign up list at the counter and there was a Gatorade in that brown paper bag. I think he was also on meth. Now whenever I'm in relaxing in public I wonder if my drink or meal will come with a side dish of bullet. I diagnosed myself with "FKA," Fisher King Anxiety. I haven't seen The Fisher King in years, but now I can't stop thinking about the circumstances of Robin Williams' wife's death. Does that really happen...in real life? Do people really walk into generically upscale bar/restaurants filled with early 90's yuppies and shoot the place up? When you drive, get on a plane or train, or walk by yourself at night, you accept there are factors out of your control and death could be around the bend. I can't imagine another time you have your guard more down in public than stuffing your face with mozzie logs, drinking a Bud Light, or sucking on a green iced tea waiting for your turn at an open mic in a cafe. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not in the mood to make dinner at home tonight and would risk a bullet for some waitress service. Does the American Psychiatric Association have a blog?

Open Letter to An Asshole #4: The Laurel Tavern Asshole

Dear Asshole at Laurel Tavern: Perhaps you don't remember me. I'm sure your Vodka and Red Bulls got the best of you on Friday night. I'm the girl that walked by you on her way to the restroom and overheard your "Borat vs. Bruno" discussion with your friend. As I walked by you asked your friend, "What was funnier, Borat or Bruno?" In an attempt to be social and celebrate the communal spirit of Laurel Tavern, I answered "Bruno." I guess that was the wrong answer, because your reply to me was " I wasn't talking to you." Don't think I didn't notice the stink eye you gave me as I walked by you again from the restroom and politely said "Excuse me" in spite of your earlier rude behavior towards me. I'm sorry if you didn't think I was hot enough for you to just smile at my answer and move on. We all can't meet the high standards you have for your own appearance. I aspire to your pot belly, not funny Urban Outfitters t-shirt, and boy band blow back hair. If you need to spend your free time white knuckling a sense of superiority at every turn, it might easier to remain in your mother's basement in Reseda and jizz over some cradle-robbing porn. Warmest Regards, Laura

Dear Door Guy at Laurel Tavern: I really do like Laurel Tavern..a lot. It's great. I'm sure it's been overwhelming since your bar appeared in the Best New Bars feature in Los Angeles magazine. I find it a little weird to make people wait outside to get into a bar to drink beer and eat a burger. I respect crowd control and appreciated it once I got in and could get a seat at the bar, but I didn't love feeling like I was waiting to get into an awful club on the Strip beforehand. While you're making people wait outside, maybe you can be on douche look out. No one really needs the above guy anywhere near them. Thank you for your consideration. The chorizo fondue is crazy amazing, by the way! Warmest Regards, Laura

To-Do List Item #1: Find my leisure lifestyle

Happy Labor Day weekend! In NY, Labor Day weekend meant an official end of summer and it would bring back that "pit of your stomach" dread I would feel before the school year begins. We would try to fit as much summer-y shit as possible in three days: the beach, BBQs, finding a piece of grass. After Labor Day weekend, it was time to get back to work. When September comes around you no longer could blame the summer for a stalled career. In LA, summer really doesn't have a definite end. It's always at least 70 degrees for most of the year and the ocean is freezing cold all the time, so you can always wear flip flops but really never care about swimming. There's no discernible "play time" and "work time" during the calendar year. In my April 28 post I announced that I will now aspire to have a "lifestyle": garden planting, wine club joining, buying a glue stick and scrapbooking something. I was in LA for just three months and didn't have much going on. I didn't have a job, a heavy audition schedule, or a lot of friends. Now four months later...well, I have more friends As time passes, my knitting and "having political opinions about food" goals are getting pushed aside for a growing to-do list of career-tivities. I'm trying to find that balance of "living in LA" and "getting something done so I have a reason to live in LA." The "living in LA" part is really what this blog is about. Aside from a few parties, I'm spending a chunk of my time this weekend doing more laboring more than playing. Maybe I'm preparing for the imaginary school year in my head. Now where's my kitten Trapper Keeper?

Camera Phone Files #7: Station Fire

A hill overlooking Tujunga.

Smoke behind downtown.

My crap camera phone pics while we were driving on the 5 going to Burbank and Glendale this past Friday and Saturday nights.

Here are some pictures of the Station fire currently burning northeast of LA. I believe it's called the Station fire because it threatened the Angeles Crest Ranger Station. Apparently the fire tripled in size the night these pictures were taken and it's now burning 122,000 acres. The fire started in the Angeles National Forest and covers Tujunga, Mt. Wilson, Glendale, La Crescenta, Acton, and La Canada areas. Here's a link of an interactive map, http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-la-fire-map-html,0,7464337.htmlstory. If you want to see real photographs, here's a link to LA Times' photo gallery: http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-0826-morris-fire-pictures,0,2039975.photogallery. There are moments when we can smell the smoke in Echo Park. Not that this is cause for celebration, but I did want to mark our first California fire experience. In NY, we'd always see news coverage of the California fires on the local news. I never got a grasp on the geography of the fires. Is the Capital Records building burning? Did someone flick a butt while getting off the Golden Gate Bridge? Is all the wine okay?

LA Field Trips #11 & Camera Phone Files #6: Hollywood Bowl

Last week, Alex and I hit the Hollywood Bowl with our new friend, Sarah. We had a great time meeting her friends and getting our culture on. There was a weird moment when we noticed a helicopter circling the Hollywood sign. When the light from the helicopter hit the sign, Sarah was certain she saw a guy running around. It was like watching an episode of 24 with Rhapsody in Blue as the soundtrack. We listened to big band jazz featuring James Moody, Roy Hargrove, Gordon Goodwin, and vocalist Roberta Gambarini. I didn't know who they are either. I don't go to a lot of concerts and this lit a fire under my ass to see more live music. Here are some of my crappy camera phone pics and Sarah's better digital camera pics.

Being a douche can be very dehydrating

I bought a bottle of water at the movie theater this weekend, and I was given a bottle of Ed Hardy Structured Water. What's "structured water?" Well, Ed Hardy designer, Christian Audigier put together the science community's best collection of Euro trash, thirteen year old girls, coked out Hollywood club promoters, and Jon Gosselin to make hydrogen and oxygen even more "science-y." Let's have the bottle label and www.edhardywater.com explain:

Water is the basis of all life. Approximately 75% of your body is made of water. Whether thirsty or not, you drink water so that the cells in your body can achieve hydration. The more effectively you hydrate our cells the healthier they will be and the longer they will live. As a result, effective hydration gives you increased energy and the ability to perform at more optimal levels while flushing out toxins more effectively. Ed Hardy structured water is natural alkalized calcium ionized living water and is treated with reverse osmosis for maximum purity as well as infra-red stimulation and electromagnetism to create the best (+) positively charged hexagonally shaped structured water ever. By using their proprietary technology they are able to break up the larger molecules into smaller hexagonally shaped and now STRUCTURED MOLECULES, which are much more easily absorbed by the cells inside our bodies. The absorption rate of hexagonally shaped structured water molecules is a much as four (4) times more efficient than water that is not structured, which enables you to drink less water while achieving hydration faster and more efficiently. Whether young or old, professional athlete or common everyday person, everybody can benefit from Ed hardy Structured Water, which was created with some of the most important ingredients of all: lots and lots of love, care and positive energy? For all who will discover that water is the basis of all life?

Now go hydrate and buy more $100 t-shirts.

LA Lesson #6: Tar!

If only this blog was called "I Stomach Chapel Hill" then I can make a Tarheel joke.

Our new post-beach routine. It removes tar...and the top 2 layers of your skin.

This past weekend Alex and I headed back to the 'bu and hit Zuma Beach. The water was chilly , but the important thing is we didn't have to take the G to the E to Penn to a shuttle bus to get there. When we got ready to leave we noticed parts of our feet were covered in tar. Tar. Tar! There's nothing like coming to a beautiful beach and leaving smelling a newly paved driveway. I did a little research and apparently tar is par for the course when visiting LA beaches. I grew up in New York fearing medical waste and bodies washing up to the shore. When packing for a day at the beach remember your bottle of Goo Gone along with the sunscreen and towels!

LA Field Trips #10: What up, 'bu?

My friend Katie was in town, and we spent last Saturday all up in the 'bu. Malibu. I made an executive decision that living in Malibu is the ultimate of the ultimate goals and it needs to happen. At Malibu Wines we drank with fabulous, "picture frame" pretty people wearing uncreased white linen. We ate a late lunch with old people eating dinner at Duke's. Alex drove us down the PCH and we wondered how people can get this life. Katie asked what laser the citizens of Malibu must have invented. I asked what shit-tastic movie they made and got teenagers to spend their parents' money on.