Since I started this blog, I dreamed of a special type of post called "An Open Letter to an Asshole I dreamed of conversations chock full of stupidity overheard at The Coffee Bean and camera phone shots of inconsiderate parking and awful boob jobs. It turns out I don't get out of the house enough to discover any of those. But finally, here's my moment. Ladies and gentlemen, my first “An Open Letter To a Douche” post.
Dear Asshole that Smashed the Passenger Side Window of Car to Steal Our GPS Holder and Battery Charger: What the fuck? Seriously? Really? What other expressions of exasperation regularly used by white people can I say right now? I'll even throw in a “What Would Jesus Do?” Would Jesus smash the front passenger side window of a car to steal a plastic GPS holder and charger? No. No, he would not. Since I have a particular knack for taking everything personally, I can't help to think this "random" act of theft was somehow targeted at me. Were you hanging out around the bend of Boston Street behind that weird construction site garbage bin waiting for an asshole to pull up? Did you catch a sight of my off the rack Banana Republic sweater and Factory Store Coach bag and think, "This bitch is going down."? I might appear to be The Man. Perhaps to you I am The Man. I assure you in the grand scheme of this "Bank and Auto Industry Bailout " World, I am not The Man. I was returning from an audition for a non-paying local commercial. And it's the first audition I had in weeks. When I discovered the glass shard ejaculate sprayed throughout inside of the car, the result of your ne'er-do-wellness, I was on my way to shakedown the guy I subletted from for the deposit owed to me because mommy needs some new headshots and Unemployment is running out. You smashed the window of a Nissan Versa. A Versa. Do you know what a Versa is? Take a perfectly fine Sentra and then add a John Deere lawnmower engine. The Versa is made for people who drive like they live their lives: in the right lane at a crisp 45 MPH. Trust me, I am not The Man. Did it piss you off that the Hope Diamond of this scheme, the actual Garmin Nuvi GPS was nestled safely in my Factory Store Coach bag? Are you in bed right now, staring at the ceiling wondering if procuring a battery charger that goes to nothing is worth committing a crime? Was it worth it? For us, it wasn't worth the $180 for a new piece of glass. Now if you stole the whole pane of glass, and just the pane of glass instead of destroying it, that would be impressive. It would be take me a day or two to figure out why the A/C isn't working. What exactly is the street value of a plastic GPS holder? What do you get for that? I've seen The Wire and Bubbles worked hard for his dope. He knew how took to fuck The Man and still get his fix. He made counterfeit money, stole copper piping from condo construction sites and sold it to a scrap shop at a competitive price, and snitched on drug dealers to the cops for extra cash. Bubbles knew to not bother with the Straights and earn his keep. If he wanted a consumer product, he shop lifted it from Wal-Mart like every other respectable person and stoned college student. Perhaps it's unfair to insinuate you have a substance abuse problem gone awry. Perhaps you're a modern day, Angeleno Heights version of Les Miserables and need baby formula. Times are rough. Regardless of personal property, we're all in the same neighborhood together, a neighborhood that I have to explain to people who have lived in LA for years. We're all trying to get through the day and hold on to hope for a better day, a better week, a better year, a better audition. Don't be an asshole. Don't make me draft a sternly worded letter to the local police precinct on my new Crane stationery and hold Community Watch Meetings as a thinly veiled excuse to serve wine and make human contact. And if you're going to break a car window and ransack a glove box, at least steal a DMV registration or insurance card and steal the car owner's identity. Our credit history will get you a lot further than a charger that retails for $29. Our credit scores have increased since buying that shit Versa you broke into. Warmest Regards, Laura