Master cleanse. You need to know about it. You need to read the book. You need to be doing it. You need to be talking about it. All the time. And you need to put all social plans on hold because of it. What's a Master Cleanse? A crime prosecuted at The Hague? No, it's a way to spend a week shitting your eyeballs out while you malnourish yourself in an attempt to feel...healthy. I'd love to watch a LA douchebag in head to toe Ed Hardy explain to an Ethiopian child who watched his siblings die needlessly of diarrhea and dehydration why anyone with a Trader Joe's, Gelsons, Ralphs, and Albertsons down the street would make the choice to live on Maple syrup and Cayenne pepper. I've never in my entire life and time in New York heard of the Master Cleanse. The second I come to LA, it's the center of my social life and I know approximately 3 1/2 people here. The first day I'm out there, some girl is talking about it with my friends over sushi. Then it's the center of conversation at a dinner party. Then it got in the way of drinking plans and that's when I got pissed off. Friend, Katie recommended the New York Master Cleanse: Start drinking at Happy Hour. Don't stop. Keep drinking. No really, don't stop. Blackout before realizing you forgot to eat dinner. Go home to an apartment with an empty fridge and pass out. Weigh yourself the next day. At least four pounds will magically disappear.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
LA Lessons #2: The Master Cleanse
Master cleanse. You need to know about it. You need to read the book. You need to be doing it. You need to be talking about it. All the time. And you need to put all social plans on hold because of it. What's a Master Cleanse? A crime prosecuted at The Hague? No, it's a way to spend a week shitting your eyeballs out while you malnourish yourself in an attempt to feel...healthy. I'd love to watch a LA douchebag in head to toe Ed Hardy explain to an Ethiopian child who watched his siblings die needlessly of diarrhea and dehydration why anyone with a Trader Joe's, Gelsons, Ralphs, and Albertsons down the street would make the choice to live on Maple syrup and Cayenne pepper. I've never in my entire life and time in New York heard of the Master Cleanse. The second I come to LA, it's the center of my social life and I know approximately 3 1/2 people here. The first day I'm out there, some girl is talking about it with my friends over sushi. Then it's the center of conversation at a dinner party. Then it got in the way of drinking plans and that's when I got pissed off. Friend, Katie recommended the New York Master Cleanse: Start drinking at Happy Hour. Don't stop. Keep drinking. No really, don't stop. Blackout before realizing you forgot to eat dinner. Go home to an apartment with an empty fridge and pass out. Weigh yourself the next day. At least four pounds will magically disappear.
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I had a coworker do this. He was already odd, but it made him weirder. I didn't realize what he was doing until one day I offered him food, and he told me "I don't eat. If I get hungry I just have some water and add some lemon and cayenne pepper." He dropped a huge amount of weight, and not surprisingly put it all back on.
ReplyDeleteIt's all water weight! If I want to lose water weight, I'd cut down on the Salt and Vinegar Chips regimen, no need to starve yourself.
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