Unless you’ve been dead or too busy reading books to orphans, you know Rebecca Black’s Friday video has taken over You Tube, Twitter, late night television, and the vitriol of adults. Adults, grow up. Is the song lame? Yes. Is this Ark Music Company possibly taking advantage of stage mothers. Probably. Is it possible that Rebecca just took her first step towards the 2021 season of Celebrity Rehab. Maybe, but I hope not. Are we all just a little bit jealous of 13-year old-ish girl having 13 -year-old-ish girl fun. Definitely. So Rebecca, here’s why I’m rooting for you:
1-Your 13 year-old friends can operate a motor vehicle with other 13 year-old passengers sitting on top of the seat without seatbelts! Nothing bad will happen to you and your friends because you are pleasant looking kids living in a pleasant video world! Jealous.
2-At the time of this post, you have 88,045,991 views of your video on You Tube. My most popular You Tube clip: 138 views.
3-You said on Good Morning, America that you’re not the best singer but certainly not the worst. I wish Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, cast members of the Real Housewives franchise and everyone in LA had just a shred of your self-awareness.
4-Your parents are rich and live in a nice home in the suburbs and bought you a hit pop single. Enjoy it! You could’ve been born in China and left in the middle of the woods because you don’t have a penis.
5-Cool black guys pop into your life on a typical Friday and interject a rap about why you’re cool. Black guys never rap about me when I’m buying bud vases at Crate and Barrel or lying to the treadmill about my weight or price comparing shitty wine at Vons.
You’re wearing real clothes and not shoving your underage crutch in anyone’s face, and you’re not trying to be anything else other than a 13 year-old suburban girl. Keep being you, keep doing your Biology AP homework, keep playing field hockey, go to college, and stay away from anyone with the last name “Lohan.” If you can spend your formative years in the center of a media shit storm and make it to 22 with a college degree, a healthy attitude about food, and an HPV-free cervix, you win. No one will care that you win because we will have moved on to tearing down the spirit of another girl. Maybe this one.