Shitcanned-tivities #1: Daytime Television

So it's 2009 and everyone I know is or has been laid off, fired, let go, "we're not renewing your contract", "your position is ceasing to exist", "it's not you, it's the headcount" shitcanned. College graduates who've only known how to make their teachers and parents happy by doing well in school and making their bosses, parents, college loan lenders and the landlord happy by doing well at a job, are wandering the streets not knowing whose approval they are to seek out next. They're clawing the racks of The Gap for their next sweater set fix, making way too many weekday lunch plans with people they could care less to see when employed, and cleaning. The upwardly mobile are floating, wondering how anyone can afford a monthly Metro Card without TransitChek and how much gas is needed for a weekly grocery trip. I've been unemployed on and off again for two years. I've had four jobs during one 18 -month engagement to one person. My prospects are as bright as my surprise when New York State still deposits a few hundred bucks in my account. During my on and off bouts of unemployment, I've discovered a few do's and don'ts to enjoy your freedom and maximize your time. Here's my first in a series of Shitcanned-tivities. If anyone has any suggestions, please share!

• Shitcanned-tivity Tip #1: How to Watch Daytime Television

Do not watch television from 1-4 PM. You will not feel worse about yourself. You still feel like you're part of society by watching morning television. What's today's news? Which show is longer: The Today Show or Pinwheel? What awful thing will come out of Elisabeth Hasselbeck's mouth? Whose heart will give out first: Kelly's from malnourishment or Regis' because Joy took his pacemaker to get covered in Louis Vuitton leather? In between the noon news and Oprah, it's a depressing landscape of technical school ads you remember watching when you came home from kindergarten, injury lawyer commercials, and court shows. I think this why perfectly smart people watch soaps. It offers a task while watching television in the afternoon. "I have to follow my stories." "I have to catch up on my soap." "I missed it today, what happened?" You feel like there's purpose in your television viewing. The more Maury and Judge Brown you watch, the quicker you slide from the sexy prime time network demographic that advertisers aim for to society's underbelly that hinges it's hopes on a gun repair class or an incurable disease with a big pay out.