Open Letter to An Asshole #5: A Request to Buy Back My Hubcaps

Dear Guy or Gal Who Stole Our Hubcaps: I've never paid attention to my hubcaps and now that they're gone, I can't stop obsessing about my hubcap-less tires. I'm feeling a little low-class in that "have a bunch of broken TV stacked on top of each in the living room" way. I'd like to offer you a$100 to buy back my hubcaps. I'm assuming you can use it. If you can find my GPS holder and charger that were stolen last year, I'll throw in another $25 plus some cans of Trader Joe's Turkey Chili and a bottle of Shiraz. I'll give you another $10 if you can explain to me the business strategy of hubcap stealing? What's their street value? I asked Google why people steal hubcaps and all I got were links to racist joke websites. I make no assumptions about your race or gender. I am judging you for your taste level in car part thievery. You really risked getting caught stealing hubcaps off a Nissan Versa? Not even an Altima? Tsk, tsk. Warmest Regards, Laura