Porn for New Yorkers #3: You can actually walk around a Trader Joe's

After nearly three months of living here, I am no more certain about a career than when I was living in New York. But this what can never be taken away from me: wide ass aisles at Trader Joe's. I no longer have to cut a bitch for the last box of mini quiches she promised to bring to her ironic knitting club. No longer do I have to stand in a line that extends the length of the store and help others shop their dairy needs, because I'm blocking the entire section. I have multiple Trader Joe's and they're huge and no one can take that away from me...until they randomly burst into flames during fire season, I mean, summer.

Porn for New Yorkers #2: So happy to not schlep this crap down 6th Ave anymore

A good part of my physical activity in NY was using my back and arms as a luggage rack. I spent so much time dragging large sacks from Bed, Bath and Beyond in Chelsea down 6th Ave to the L train. I've hurled towels, measuring cups, candles, dishes, and Christmas themed bullshit over my head while simultaneously swiping my Metrocard and just missing the train. I had a pleasant moment of suburbia in the parking lot of The Great Indoors (a home furnishing yuppie Mecca in Burbank) during a pretty nice little Saturday. We actually could load our stuff from a shopping cart...that we pushed...to our car...and then put into a trunk and then drove. LA is weird.

Two more pics and I'm done..Boozenog '09 will have a hutch!

There will be full display glory for this year's Boozenog. We just need friends in LA. Or enough money to fly New York in.

Porn for New Yorkers #1: Our New Apartment

I assumed if a state didn't have a "and this is where George Washington slept" anecdote that real estate would be shiny and sparkling. I thought California Native Americans carved their huts or tepees or whatever out of granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances and Toto toilets. Well apparently not. I sort of forgot that the Depression built Hollywood and since it hasn't rained here since 1929, crap sticks around. After spending two weeks looking at a lot of wall to wall dusty rose carpeting, shower doors with frosted swans, sinks shaped like sea shells, laundry rooms that should be equipped with rape whistles, fridge-less kitchens, or kitchens that look like they came off the set of Lassie - I found an apartment starting March 1! It's in the Angeleno Heights section of Echo Park, close to downtown. We totally got the recession special on a brand new, completely renovated, never lived in Spanish revival 2 bed, 2 bath, that sort of includes central air, washer/dryer, dishwasher, food disposal, french doors that lead to a courtyard, recessed lighting, hardwood floors. Okay, bragging done. Very excited! I don't know what to do with myself now - maybe I should get an audition or earn a dime somehow. Post script, 6/6/09: No our dishwasher isn't Smurf blue, it's a protective sticker.